Posted by: nomoreblues | June 21, 2013

here comes june – summer solstice

never got to read much of his writings, but he proudly shared this and it still is as beautiful today as it was when I first read it…

My father and i go fishing sometimes
In the cool of the day by the whispering pines
It’s warm and it’s breezy and the fishing comes easy
And time just seems to stand still

But here comes june
Sure as the moon
Here comes june
Way too soon

Time is a river
it keeps on flowing
Can’t go ahead, can’t go back
I guess i’ll just keep going
And how how i long for the time
I’d look into my fathers eyes
And somehow i believed
He’d know what to do

But here comes june
Sure as the moon
Here comes june
Way too soon

Little face in the window
Waves to me on my way home
Makes me smile and remember
What it’s like to be all alone
Then he rushes to me
We laugh and fall to the floor
He covers me with a childlike love
i hope he never outgrows

But here comes june
Sure as the moon
Here comes june
Way too soon

And as i look into the face
Of my brown-eyed wonder boy
I want to hold onto these days
As long as i can
And you know it’s funny how we never know
What we got until it’s gone
‘Cause I just turned my head
He’s become a man

But here comes june Sure as the moon Here comes june Way too soon

Posted by: nomoreblues | May 7, 2013

imperfectly me…

“Who are you to judge the life I live? I know I’m not perfect and I don’t live to be. But, before you start pointing fingers, make sure your hands are clean.”

bob marley…

Posted by: nomoreblues | May 6, 2013

funny? …

ok. i swear i am NOT looking to see him or wondering if he is here or there (with the exception of our daughter’s school) and i SWEAR i see him like once a week.
a few weeks ago i was out in town looking for my middle kiddo who had taken off into town and i am up at the parking lot in town and i see him walking across the parking lot into the store from his truck.
how is it i can still ~feel~ him there?? its been 3 years? can’t just be coincidence because i dont’ just look up and see other people i know… it;s like it’s always him…
im pretty sure he doesn’t see me. but maybe he does. i don’t know. it’s just kind of funny.
all our years together we would plan out our timing to run into one another and i swear it’s like we still are synced up or something…
like i think it was last week. my therapist has moved offices. i now see her in a different town. so when i leave i am at a traffic light that i hardly ever am at, or at least didn’t used to be at. so i am pulling out and at the light. i am not even looking up i am playing with the radio. something tells me to look up and i swear i looked right at him as he was driving by the opposite direction. he was feet away from me.
why? me and him live in small towns, very small towns, but this in the city. there are thousands of people. how funny is it that i keep seeing him??
i have to keep reminding myself it does not MEAN anything. HE is NOT looking for me. he , im sure, would be very content to never set eyes on me again.
yet, there he is.
i have to keep telling myself it is funny. and it kind of is.
oh my head is so fucked up it hurts sometimes.

Posted by: nomoreblues | April 4, 2013

me…rambling…

I think it just may be perfect
The only person of my dreams
I never ever, ever, ever been this happy
But now something has changed.
And The Truth About Love is it’s all a lie,
I thought you were the one, and I hate goodbyes.

p!nk ~ truth about love

april has been a hard month for me so far, well with the memories and thoughts and it’s just a muddy yucky month anyway…. things suck at home. i know j’s anniversary was yesterday. wish i could forget but i remember because it’s also one of my best friend’s birthday too. and 2 of his kiddos birthdays were the 1st and the 2nd.

haven’t run into him or his wife lately. (thank god!)

its been 3 years since the end of the affair.. 3 FUCKING YEARS !!!

crazy that thoughts still float into my head  3 years later…

i will love him forever. i had never been so happy. i allow some of the memories. they make me happy. but i have to be careful not to dwell on them, because they are my past… I’m continuing to move forward and not live in the past… like walking a fucking tightrope sometimes.. lol

not much different from the rest of my life.

husband getting worse. drs say nothing new to try to just continue as we are. yay. daughter still suicidal and cutting ~bad~ and im thinking she may never lead a normal life.

i tell myself that i need to focus on what is real. my life, my family. so many people looking to me and depending on me. on ME?? lol.. ha.. if they only knew. the constant mantra in my head saying keep looking forward, don’t look back, forward, but not too far, can’t handle the future any better than i can handle my past, and i want to run away and never be seen again, but i can’t because im the only one holding this family together, so i can’t run, i must stay. (yea, it’s a long mantra)

but it keeps me here.

and i laugh inside. thinking at times how j would laugh because of how i still think of him and how fucked up i am when he im sure knew all along.

 

Posted by: nomoreblues | January 31, 2013

stupid small town…

headed into the city this morning with my husband to get some evaluation results regarding our son.  we had some errands to run in town before we went. a quick trip to the post office in town and my husband goes in to drop something off… and i see this BRIGHT yellow hair across the parking lot that catches my eye. silently thinking that its so freakin bright it could be HER hair (j’s wife) and i see she is with him. walking into the little grocery store here in town. uggggg. and yea, there’s her bright red jeep with, yes, the tire cover that i suggested j get her on the back. yep, it was them alright.  it (yes i know i say this a LOT) caught me offguard. HE at least should be at work. he starts at 8 and works m-f. its a thursday morning at 930. i don’t really care when she works. i see her stupid jeep several times a week because where she works is very viewable from my favorite coffee place.

thankfully they most likely didn’t see me. and they were still in the store when we left to do our next errand. and i made that one quick. i didn’t want to see them drive past us.

i wish i had not seen them at all this morning.

loving my small town, but at times like this… damn they really fucking suck…

Posted by: nomoreblues | January 24, 2013

amazed…

Baby Im amazed at the way you love me all the time
Maybe Im afraid of the way I love you
Baby Im amazed at the the way you pulled me out of time
Hung me on a line
Maybe Im amazed at the way I really need you

Baby Im a man and maybe Im a lonely man
Whos in the middle of something
That he doesnt really understand
Babe Im a man and maybe you’re the only woman
Who could ever help me
Baby wont you help to me understand

years ago, after j and i were together a few years, j had heard this song and told me he had heard it a million times and had never really ~listened~ to the lyrics. he had said that he really listened and the song could have been written by him. to me. and he had changed his signature on his yahoo email account. the private email account that we used, to a few of the lines of the song.

i know i still agree with some of the song…

pulled me out of time… i know we both provided that for each other..

i’m still afraid of how much i do love him still…

i still don’t understand, and couldn’t and still couldn’t help him understand…

now, years later, i am the one still amazed that even though it’s been almost 3 years since he said goodbye to me that he still has such a place in my heart that hold so many happy memories.

and yea, i heard this song on the radio today. the real one by paul, not the newer remade one. and instead of it hurting that he is no longer a part of my life it made me grateful for the time he was.

 

Posted by: nomoreblues | January 14, 2013

getting by…

ah, how funny the timing of when certain songs get released and played (and played) on the radio can be so timely in what is going on in one’s life….

i have had several times the last couple of months that i have seen and almost run into j.

and about a month ago he drove by me and i passed his truck and knew that i needed to be in front of his vehicle because i didn’t trust myself not to follow him home…( like a stupid-can’t-get-over-another-womans-husband-because-i-still-LOVE-him-kind-of-PUPPY!)

well, that day he followed ME miles out of his way and yes, he did know it was me, and no, he was not going somewhere else. me and my therapist spent a whole session discussing and decided that yea, he may have been flirting with me. fucked up. hell yes. but after all the miles of being behind me that day when i was stopped to turn, i looked back and swear he was grinning/giggling at all of this. as if i need more questions in my head. but i wanted to text him and didn’t. i let it go as it is what it is even if i don’t know what the hell it is…

then was with my family and going through the parking lot of the little grocery store in town and i had to stop to let j cross in front of me. oh, another time i am glad i was with my family because i would have had a very hard time just letting him cross and not saying something… he was alone. thankfully i wasn’t.

yes. still love him very much.

this is p!nk’s song ‘try’ …

Ever wonder about what he’s doing
How it all turned to lies
Sometimes I think that it’s better to never ask why

Where there is desire
There is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame
Someone’s bound to get burned
But just because it burns
Doesn’t mean you’re gonna die
You’ve gotta get up and try try try
Gotta get up and try try try
Funny how the heart can be deceiving
More than just a couple times
Why do we fall in love so easy
Even when it’s not right
Ever worried that it might be ruined
And does it make you wanna cry?
When you’re out there doing what you’re doing
Are you just getting by?
Tell me are you just getting by….

Posted by: nomoreblues | October 13, 2012

we must stop meeting like this

today was the first time in MONTHS that i had to REALLY focus and NOT text that to him…

its been over 2 and 1/2 YEARS that we have not been together and i wanted to reach out to him today so bad it actually hurt. like a physical actual pain.

i was baking. i needed more of one ingredient. i went to the store less than one mile from my house. i get what i need. its a small store and there is only 2 registers. i always go to the one on the right because it is the one that is usually open. today i go to stand in the line then looked up. not the customer in front of me but the one being cashed out. was j.

we both saw each other what looked to be at the same time.

ouch

i without stopping moved to the line to the left. i knew he was right behind me in the next register when i was checking out. i saw him leave. he was not 5 feet away from me.

i finished paying and left. as i was walking out i didn’t see wife’s jeep. then i realized he must be driving whatever car he has.

it was like it was in slow motion but like it was a dream because it seemed surreal.

he drove right by me as i was walking out. he looked over. i looked over and realized shit i didn’t want to know what he drives.

then i was thinking he looked sad too.

i sat in my car for a minute. i really hate when i see him and i don’t expect it. especially when he’s alone. we run into each other so much. well at least it seems it. the 4 1/2 years we were together it seemed to take a lot of planning and work to cross paths. now we seem to run into one another like once a freakin month!

i wanted to text him so bad. i knew he wouldn’t be home for a few minutes. i just wanted to say something about how we seem to bump into each other a lot lately. i really did. i knew i couldn’t. and i didn’t. what if i had texted him and he didn’t reply. or worse if his wife found it and went psycho on me. i knew i couldn’t but wanted to connect with him so badly it really did hurt.

{tearing as i type with husb in next room. fuck.}

i wonder if j looked sad because he hurts when he sees me too?

or was he just having a bad day?

does he wish he could say hi but know he can’t… i don’t dare say hi to him and i wonder if he’s saying the same thing. i can’t say hi to her..lol

im sure the feeling will pass. it always does.

it just made me realize how much i miss him in my life.

again.

 

Posted by: nomoreblues | September 24, 2012

thinking of him today…

 

Posted by: nomoreblues | September 22, 2012

annoying, eye rolling morning

ran some errands this morning before my son’s football game. made a quick run into the dollar store, and on the way out i could see while i was inside the store, j and his wife. they both looked like they had just rolled out of bed. (kinda funny, yes? lol)

i was in a rush, and didn’t feel like dealing with any drama. so i just opened the door out and left to my car.

yea, they were close enough that if they were anyone else, i would have held the door.

yea, if i wasn’t in a rush i would have SO held the door. just because.

i rolled my eyes when i saw them. i recognized that i rolled my eyes.. that in itself made me crack the hell up. how immature i can be.

i am just so SICK of seeing them all the time. i am glad today it wasn’t a big deal that i saw them. i didn’t miss him or feel anything. i was more annoyed. there is a dollar store soo much closer to their house. i was annoyed they were in the town they were in. yes they are free to go where they want but omg…  i really wished they lived farther away. these towns are so freakin small and they life so freakin close to me.

i guess i am glad that i did just roll my eyes. i inside was thinking ” REALLY?? ” i think i have run into them enough lately…

and wonder how much longer till i feel nothing.. if ever..

still.. 2 years and 6 months later.. easier… much much easier…

{laughing}

i rolled my eyes…

i am thinking she might have too…

lol..

Older Posts »

Categories

Follow

Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 50 other followers