session & uprising

went to my therapist earlier today. was a good session (no tears, yay more progress!) talked about my good days and my bad days. told her how i am focusing on the length of time when my thoughts go to j rather than beating myself up when i get caught up in the ‘lows’ and have my obsessive missing him thoughts/hours/days…

she told me that she thinks i am doing well with recovering. she knows i have been working hard. i joked about how some of the things even a month ago seemed so far away and impossible for me to do or not to do, i am doing and they are not so bad..(for example, used to drive by j’s work to try to catch a glimpse of him and now i almost duck when driving anywhere NEAR where he might be for fear of him seeing me and him thinking i am stalking him) i am so glad i am not in that place anymore…

one of the things that has been coming up lately is when my husband will  come to me (or call me ) and be all serious and says he wants to talk.. every time he does that i get this punched in the gut, freaked out feeling… 100 thoughts go thru my head in probably less than one second..did he get a call from j’s wife? did he see my account? did i leave something up? did someone see me months ago and tell my husband NOW? did j’s wife come by? does he know? etc.. obsessive thoughts all in panic mode… sucks… and my husband just wants to tell me he got some news about work… so i keep reminding myself to breathe!!! and i wish i could just make the whole thing different.. i can’t very well stop him from coming to talk to me about something serious that he wants my attention…right? well, she (my t) reminded me that if my husband ever even had a HINT of the affair, he would certainly not be coming into me calmly wanting to talk… he would be explosive, yelling, freaking out etc… and that is true… there would be NO talking… there would be no calm do you have a second? guess who just called me? questions…. (sigh) so thankfully i have another way of thinking about that whole thing… because that sick feeling in my stomach that i get…well, that sure can’t be good…

and me thinking about j more when it’s rainy and i get little depressed, i just need to be sure to keep busy and not let my self do something as destructive as reading old emails and listening to less than upbeat songs….

one i LOVE , heard it today, that i am adding to my mp3 tonight is   ~ muse – uprising ~ has nothing at all to do with j, and i love that… we will be victorious!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AtZV5XdfqrI

i have mentioned to my t that i write on this blog all my stuff i am sorting out and how i am finding it therapeutic.. she asked me today what it was called, my blog… i told her the name.. and i explained that j plays blues music so where as the blog was about me getting over him and our relationship, the name just came to me.. and the whole background is blue.. and i don’t want to feel blue… and i no longer have a blues guy in my life…. blues is j’s favorite music genre. i didn’t know much about it at all when i met him.. but over the time we were together i thought i would ‘broaden my musical horizons’ and give some of it a listen. i liked some of it, but didn’t listen to it a lot… but i did try it… some of it is sooo sexy! but i don’t listen to it now… NO more blues..