BAD night…

okay, so things have been going good and i have been thinking and obsessing over j less… and last time i had worried about an event at the local school i had gotten all stressed out for nothing and neither j or his wife went… so last night was a meeting/info group at the school that both his and my daughter will be attending in the fall… again, didn’t give it much thought… i know j plays out on wednesdays… i didn’t think j’s wife would go knowing i might possibly be there… i guess i just didn’t really think much about it…

i think… now looking back… i should have… should have given it at least a little more thought…maybe dressed a little nicer, fixed my makeup, had some mental protection up and ready.. yea, i had none of that… and….it was horrible… and i KNEW this would happen eventually… we live in very small towns and our girls are going to be in a pretty small town school together…

the meeting was in the gym, there were easily a couple hundred people there…we were about 10 minutes late getting there, and i didn’t see the red jeep in the parking lot and i didn’t see j or his wife in the bleachers (j’s wife has VERY bright yellow hair, easy to spot) we didn’t sit in the bleachers because they were full. we were on the side (i was not with my husband. it was just me and my daughter, thank GOD!) but no sight of j or his wife…so i was able to somewhat relax and listen to what the principal was saying… introducing the new teachers, etc.. AND from where i was standing, i see this oh so familiar face leaning forward staring at me with the most disgusted face…yep, SHE was there..about 3 people down from where i was.. staring right at me ….i hadn’t seen them come in. so i only made eye contact with her for a fraction of a second..i quickly – immediately looked down…and boy do i wish i could have been sitting… i really thought i was going to pass out… i am SO glad my husband was not there.. he would have known IMMEDIATELY something was up with me… so i kept telling myself to focus and breathe!! not so easy to do!

so they split all us parents & kids up into  3 separate roundtable groups.. and i was PRAYING!!! praying  that j and j’s wife was not in our group… so me and my daughter were walking to where our group was going, i had to walk RIGHT past them…yes, j AND his wife were there….still leaning against the wall. out of the corner of my eye i could see she was looking at me, it looked like j had his head down hands in his pocket. something he does when he’s nervous, upset or both…i looked ahead…i wanted to look at j SOOOO soo badly…i wanted to see his eyes.. i wanted him to see MY eyes.. i wanted him to know SO MUCH…and so NOTHING… and i wanted to SAY so much… and so NOTHING….. but i was so scared, i couldn’t look up….. and i mean REALLY REALLY scared… and mind you all this is happening in seconds.. i wanted to see if j was looking at me..i already knew that j’s wife knew i was there and i was fairly certain that he knew by now too… but i wanted to see him… i wanted to see if he would look at me.. stupid i know… but i didn’t make eye contact with him, i didn’t want him to be looking down when i looked, i was scared he would see me looking, i was scared j’s wife would freak the f*ck out if  she saw me looking at j. i was scared he might look upset, disgusted like her, sorry he saw me…scared of too many things… scared i might miss him even more than i really already do… very scared stuff going on as i walked by…

i did hold some confidence in knowing that j’s wife is scared about our daughters being in the same grade and at the same school. i know that in itself was a big thing j had mentioned before he had ended our relationship….. so i at least knew that.. but her being scared doesn’t mean she is scared of making a scene, or doing something stupid or saying something stupid, or trying to talk to me or god only knows what…. i knew j would do nothing to protect me should she act out… so i guess i was just hoping that all 3 of us were scared of each other… j was probably (hopefully) freaked out just as much as i was, not knowing what his wife would do or if maybe i would do something? and j’s wife was maybe scared that i would say or look at either of them? and was scared to death of all 3 of us.. i didn’t trust myself in that moment…i only had that one chance to walk by him and sneak a peek at the man i loved in secret for 4 years… and probably part of me always will…

but i didn’t look !!!!!!!!

i looked ahead, went to the group, they were not in our roundtable group (yay!) and i had 30 minutes of trying to focus on the talking and not the yelling inside my f*cked up head.. i was a bundle of nerves… and i was trying not to cry (why?? why did i feel like crying… why should i care… why DO i ?) and my daughter was right there and all these people.. it was so hard… i wanted to RUN away… i was hoping they did too.

so it gets over.. our group let out and i was hoping their group was still meeting. i had met up with one of my girlfriends and her daughter, we were walking out of the school together. we were one of the first ones out, most others were lingering, talking to teachers, friends, etc… so the 4 of us are walking out.. and about 20 feet ahead of us… bright blonde fucking hair… yep, that’s right… j and his wife were RIGHT THERE!!!!!!!!!!!! i wanted to go back in… i wanted to not be seen.. i wanted to disapear…but i guess they heard us, well j’s wife did anyway… (we were talking about the meeting) and i started to walk slower and to the other side of the walkway to avoid them and having to walk right past them AGAIN!, when i noticed that j’s wife was stopped in the walkway and i didn’t really look over at them directly, but was being aware of what was going on and could possibly go on, it looked like she was stopping and wanting to maybe … i don’t know.. talk, look, something… no one else was out yet… just us 6..(me and my friend and our daughters, then j and his wife) and i knew she knew i was behind… j kept walking, and was holding her hand… and he was seeming to try to keep her walking too… i am quite sure he didn’t want her causing a scene, too, right? so i kept walking slow, and widening the gap between us.. but then i saw the two of them arm in arm with her hand in his back pocket and his hand in her back pocket… and i am glad that he got her to keep walking… but i also secretly wanted to shove them!!!!! i am not even sure why..just me being a bitch i guess…i hated seeing them arm in arm…made me feel even sicker than this whole thing already had…. it was a really bad night…i was so not prepared for ANY of this.. and i know there is a lot more to come…

and all this mind you and our girls haven’t even STARTED school together yet!!! we have 5 more years of this shit!!!!!

~~~~that older alanis morissette song you oughta know comes to mind…. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NPcyTyilmYY  yea, i guess i am still feeling a little …ecky today… i am sure that will pass too… ~~~~

so i come home, go through the usual… helping with dinner, kids bedtime…etc… and i had a couple of glasses of yummy red wine and was feeling silly and forgetting about all that drama of the night… well for the most part anyway…

and i was really (really!) needing some nice positive attention from my husband… who is not what i would call overly affectionate… so that didn’t go so well.. and i felt rejected ~again~ and was upset… and i was upset at my husband, but i was upset at me.. for letting all the stuff bother me last night with seeing j and his wife… i felt like that needy child again… and i hate that feeling most of all.. lonely & not needed i guess it is… but at this point it was almost midnight… and i just wanted to go to sleep… so i told my husband i didn’t want to talk anymore, it was late.. but that i needed more from him and i really hoped he was able to provide it because i needed more and that i was sorry i need more but i do.. he apologized he was not more affectionate towards me, and held me as i fell asleep… so i did get some of what i needed… was that selfish of me.. yea, maybe… but last night.. i really didn’t care… i had a really sucky night… and i am very grateful my husband didn’t know and doesn’t know why i was so upset for the full reason… and i am sure my emotional response to his rejection towards me what not what he was expecting…. but we are okay today and i am so glad that yesterday is over now…

~~~~~~~~

reading the lyrics again … angry hateful lyrics… some of them are really good though…i don’t think i am (or ever was) that angry at him… but i am still loving the song today ~

YOU OUGHTA KNOW
I want you to know, that I’m happy for you
I wish nothing but the best for you both
An older version of me
Is she perverted like me
Would she go down on you in a theatre
Does she speak eloquently
And would she have your baby
I’m sure she’d make a really excellent mother

Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn’t able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you’d hold me
Until you died, ‘til you died
But you’re still alive

And I’m here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It’s not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

You seem very well, things look peaceful
I’m not quite as well, I thought you should know
Did you forget about me Mr. Duplicity
I hate to bug you in the middle of dinner
It was a slap in the face how quickly I was replaced
Are you thinking of me when you fuck her

Cause the love that you gave that we made wasn’t able
To make it enough for you to be open wide, no
And every time you speak her name
Does she know how you told me you’d hold me
Until you died, ‘til you died
But you’re still alive

And I’m here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It’s not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know

Cause the joke that you laid on the bed that was me
And I’m not gonna fade
As soon as you close your eyes and you know it
And every time I scratch my nails down someone else’s back
I hope you feel it…well can you feel it

And I’m here to remind you
Of the mess you left when you went away
It’s not fair to deny me
Of the cross I bear that you gave to me
You, you, you oughta know