monday with my husband

my work is slowing down (unfortunately).  i was supposed to work yesterday, but they didn’t have any. i have no work for today either.. yesterday i already had my little one in daycare and my husband decided to take the day out of his work. so we had the day together  ~ alone ~ NO kids! 

quick home background….things have been very stressful at home. we have a teenage dd that has adhd and anxiety disorder, a ds with autism/adhd and a mood disorder and a 3 year old that is VERY VERY active… our older ds (he is 9) has not been doing well. he has been very aggressive and explosive and hard to manage. things have been VERY stressful here to say the least. raising a typical developing child with all this ‘other’ stuff going on is hard enough… raising a difficult and non-typical developing one… well, its been quite a struggle. and its going to be getting worse. he is getting dangerous and its been suggested by more than one professional that we put him in residential treatment. it would be for months.. not a hard thing to come to terms with. 

so my husband and i have been dealing with that amongst the rest of day-to-day stressors of raising a family etc..  so we both REALLY needed a day together to get away for a day… 

and the day triggered about 100 thoughts and similarities of my and j’s ‘escape’ days together… it was so wonderful being out just my husband and i. and so horrible having had it bring up all that other ‘stuff’ that i am trying to forget! will i ever forget? grrrrrr… 

my husband and i love to just drive to explore, find new places, people, things…. there is a lot of back country roads near where we live and we love to just drive and pick one and see where it leads.. (j and i also loved to do this and often did this when we spent days together) we have found some beautiful lakes, ponds, streams, walks, hikes, flowers, etc. from exploring around. 

it was so nice that my husband and i were able to unwind, enjoy some time together and actually relax. and i tried very hard….but thoughts of j kept creeping in my head… (stay OUT!) at one point while we were out, my husband and i were near where j has taken me to his private fishing spots. (i say private because he never had shown anyone but me. his father showed him. j’s wife hates him fishing. he never showed her. )  we didn’t stay in that area yesterday, we drove through lots of towns.. we visited farms, did some hiking, talked (but not about kids) laughed.. i mean really laughed.. and enjoyed being together.. it had been a long time since we were able to go out like that.. years actually… 

my husband and i enjoyed some time just driving listening to the radio or just driving in quiet. .. i do talk a lot, but i also enjoy the not talking. its nice… when j and i used to sit and it would be quiet he would always get nervous and ask if it was okay that he wasn’t talking. i always thought that was funny because he was used to having to always be talking or his wife thought he was upset or something was the matter. i reassured him that i enjoyed the not talking. it often felt connecting to me. and yesterday i remembered that and he (j) used to laugh and say that was so different from what he was used to with him and his wife … 

yesterday my husband and i were driving and he saw this wonderful waterfall place.. nice rocks and trees. he asked to stop. said he wanted to make love to me there. i quickly pulled over.. husband and i always loved making love (discretely of course) outside…. but then we had kids, and well, that spontaneous outside loving came to a screeching halt… and when i met j 4 years ago…we also had the same feelings about it… except we always had to be EXTRA sure not to get caught because not only were we outside, but we were having an affair… so we REALLY couldn’t get caught! so it was wonderful yesterday to be so free (still discrete) but not be so scared of getting caught.. and so yesterday even stopping and climbing up the hill with my husband… i was still working on blocking the thoughts of j again… even then… and it’s not j’s fault.. he has no idea!

we were driving and it was getting close to the time the kids would be home, so my husband says keep an eye on the time (again, heard 1,000’s of time from j) and that we need to start to head back (again, heard 1,000’s of time from j) and how nice it was to escape reality for a day (again, heard 1,000’s of time from j) and that he wanted to do that again soon. (again, heard 1,000’s of time from j) (!!!!!!!) i just kept saying ‘yeah..’ while i was trying not to freak out inside because i was having this truly wonderful time out with my husband and i didn’t want to be having these thoughts of j there.. blocked or not they were there… and i did recognize the feelings that i had with that… they were not sad or missing j.. they were guilt… as if i don’t live with enough… i found some more! yea…

 but i guess the good that came out of having the thoughts is realizing the similarities in the day. they are connected…and a lot of the thing that i miss about j are not the ‘things’ but the moments, and i had a lot of those moments with my husband yesterday.. the reconnecting, the exploring, the shared togetherness, the intimacy, the escaping, the silence… all wonderful moments my husband and i had together… i am thinking we should do that more than every few years…

and i also enjoyed being present and being happy in the present moment without wanting to rewind (and replay) or fast forward… i was happy … i was okay… it was a nice place to be.. ~ and i am still happy & okay today ~ 

 this weekend i read “there is an answer to this problem; and i will breathe deeply, relax, and allow the solution to unfold in a way that works for us all.” and i do belive that… i think that yesterday was one of my answers…